Trump Lifts Ban on Heel Hooks for All Belts, All Ages, All Tournaments

Trump Lifts Ban on Heel Hooks

Washington DC -- In keeping true to his campaign promises, President Trump overturned the IBJJF ban on heel hooks for lower belts and kids' divisions. Trump ran his campaign on the platform that heel hooks and other leg locks were used in traditional Jiu Jitsu and Judo back in the day. "You have these Brazilians, these Gracie guys that are mad because some guy from the suburbs of Rio had a collection of Gracie team member legs over his mantle. You know guys, that's in the past, you have made jiu jitsu boring" shouted Trump.

Police In Baton Rouge Shoot, Kill Unarmed Pikachu

Police In Baton Rouge Shoot, Kill Unarmed Pikachu

BATON ROUGE, June 11, 2016 - True News Today

Police officers in Baton Rouge have shot and killed an unarmed Pikachu after responding to an assault and robbery. The initial complaint came from a store owner that claimed he was tased and robbed by a Pikachu earlier today. It has now been confirmed that the Pikachu was not involved in the assault or robbery, and that Baton Rouge police officers have once again needlessly shot and killed an innocent person or being.

DC Entrepreneur Arrested For Unauthorized Use Of White Privilege

WASHINGTON, DC -- For the first time ever, a DC area entrepreneur and millionaire was arrested for using "White Privilege" without authorization. The man, Alfed Osaus, is the first to be arrested under a new regulation that requires white, male business owners to obtain a permit before using their "White Privilege" to make their business profitable.

Starbuck's CEO Allows Employees To Bitch Slap Obnoxious Patrons

SEATTLE. WA ----- Starbuck's CEO Howard Schultz has announced today that employees of the coffee franchise are encourage to bitch slap obnoxious customers who order overly exotic coffee drinks.

The decision came after an incident at a Starbuck's in Rancho Cucamonga, CA where a woman attempted to order an Iced, Half Caff, Ristretto, Venti, 4-Pump, Sugar Free, Cinnamon, Dolce Soy Skinny Latte with a twist of organically grown, gluten free, non-GMO lemon.

Gun Robs Store, Shoots Man, Eludes Police

CHICAGO, IL ----- A midtown liquor store was robbed by a 9mm semi-automatic pistol on Monday night. Witnesses say the gun entered the store, grabbed a 40 ounce King Cobra Malt Liquor and then shot a man who was trying to stop it. The man, who was shot in the buttocks is expected to recover. The gun however has escaped and continues to elude police today.

NY Libtard Sues Nephew For Hugging Her Too Hard

Liberal Bitch Sues Nephew

A bitchy, liberal Manhattan human resources manager is suing her 12-year-old nephew for leaping into her arms when he welcomed her to his eighth birthday party.

The bitch, Jennifer Connell, claims her nephew acted unreasonably when his exuberant greeting caused her to fall and break her wrist in 2011, the True News Today reported from the courthouse on Monday.

President Obama Invites Police Stalkers To White House

WASHINGTON, DC - President Obama has extended an invitation for a trip to the White House to the alleged police stalker video producers. The President said today that the innocent artists were simply trying to make a comeback for their rap group while making the alleged video.

"The police acted stupidly, " said Obama. "Once again they are targeting young innocent boys that could be my sons. Besides, they were unarmed except for a small revolver".

Obama Blocks Child ISIS Jihadi From Twitter

President Obama has blocked the child ISIS Jihadi that called him the "Dog of Rome" from following him on Twitter. In a harsh statement by the President yesterday, Obama told reporters that "these freedom fighters need to learn that they can't go around insulting folks like that. Words can be just as hurtful as cutting off someone's head".

The President said that he plans to spend the rest of the week reviewing his Twitter account and blocking any followers that post hurtful messages or opposing views.

Caitlyn Jenner Will Undergo Final Surgery To Become a Woman

CaitlynJennerFinalSurgery

Caitlyn Jenner will undergo a final five hour surgery in order to become a woman. The surgery involves removing parts of the brain that control logic, reasoning, accountability and problem solving.

Doctors had already removed the portion of the brain that controls the ability to drive a motor vehicle. That operation was performed last June. Other areas of the brain will be tweaked to increase levels of emotional instability, irritability, vindictiveness and the ability to remember things that men do and say so they can be used against them years down the road.

Teen Arrested After Bringing Confederate Flag Clock To School

ATHENS, GA - A teenager was arrested today at David Duke High School in Atlanta after allegedly bringing a Confederate flag clock to science class.

When Bobbie Byrd Jr. went to his high school in Athens, Georgia, Monday, he was so excited. A teenager with dreams of becoming an engineer, he wanted to show his teacher the clock he'd made from a Confederate flag plate.

The 14-year-old's day ended not with praise, but punishment, after the school called police and he was arrested.

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