BATON ROUGE, June 11, 2016 - True News Today
Police officers in Baton Rouge have shot and killed an unarmed Pikachu after responding to an assault and robbery. The initial complaint came from a store owner that claimed he was tased and robbed by a Pikachu earlier today. It has now been confirmed that the Pikachu was not involved in the assault or robbery, and that Baton Rouge police officers have once again needlessly shot and killed an innocent person or being.
Security cameras at the location show a portly, semi-retarded midget wearing a yellow spandex jump suit wielding a taser assaulting the store owner and stealing cash, beer and condoms. The store owner still stands by his claim that it was a Pikachu, and he saw one in the store earlier acting suspicious.
This marks the first deadly shooting by police involving a Pokemon character since Pokemon GO was released a few days ago. Baton Rouge police Chief Carl Dabadie Jr said that he is looking into the matter, and also stated that the Baton Rouge police department is not ready to deal with with situations involving Pokemon, and believe the officers acted according to the book. "I mean, how the hell are we going to deal with all these Pokemon with super powers when they decide to go bad? Can you imaging trying to restrain a Charmander when he's trying to light you on fire? Shit, yesterday two officer were found asleep with permanent marker drawing on their faces. A sure sign of foul play by a Jigglypuff."
"PokeLives Matter" spokesmon Ash Ketcum says that today's incident was tragic, but that "we would've fucked up everything around here had it been Mewtwo."